Contentment and Facebook

I have a thousand thoughts swirling around in my mind right now.  As I was reading and writing in my journal earlier, I was thinking about how I've changed.  Not in a good way, but how I used to have no problem with some things, and now they are a really big deal.  For example, I am finding it very hard to just be.  Be in my house, be in my room.  Sit and read or even watch tv. It's really weird, and I'm trying to get to the bottom of it.  There were plenty of times in college that I didn't have anything to do on the weekends, and on those nights, I was perfectly content to sit in my apartment, watch a movie, call up a friend, etc.  But lately, when I find myself without something to do, I feel like I cannot sit and focus on a tv show or read a book, because I need interaction.  I have almost always been an extrovert, but I think I have become even more of one over the past 2 or 3 years.  That's still no excuse for being discontent and restless, though.

One idea that I'm throwing around in my mind right now is how Facebook may have changed my contentment.  That may sound dumb, but I really think it has something to do with it. About a year and a half ago, I didn't know what people were doing at every moment.  And I was ok.  As it turns out, I don't have to know every single thing they are thinking or doing.  I think that Facebook, while it is a great tool to keep up with people, has (for me, personally) made me addicted to knowing what other people are doing, or addicted to letting everyone else know what I am doing.  I'm trying to see the connection that it may have with my level of contentment spiraling downward so quickly. It connects so many people, in so many ways, which can be a great thing.  However, for me, it has cheapened communication.  Nothing is a mystery anymore.  I love writing random statuses and having people comment on them.  I just don't know if that has brought any benefit to my character... it's only helped me to become more needy of attention than I already am.  

After typing all of this, I think I am going to take a week away from the FB... doesn't sound like much, but I want to start small... my prayer is that each night I spend away from the computer, I will find it easier to rest, to not have to know what others are doing, and to know that I will be ok if I don't tell the entire internet world what I am thinking every moment of the day.  I really don't want this to be a legalistic move on my part, and I especially don't want to push my struggle/solution onto anyone else... I just want to get to the bottom of why I am having such a hard time being still and content, and I think this week of being without it may be helpful for me to figure it out.

BJ's - The Happiest Place on Earth

My students recently won a class field trip to BJ's (the store, similar to CostCo and Sams Club). They are partnering with our school, so they made our hallway behavior a competition, and my class won the field trip.  I was very proud of them, and they really enjoyed themselves.  They got to see some of the behind the scenes stuff, meet the employees (one of which was the mom of one of my students), and then decorate bags of food for a food bank.  It was nice to see them helping someone else.  I'm really glad that was a part of the trip.

One student stuck by my side the whole time, telling me which pictures to take.  "Action shot, Ms. Christie!  Get that one!"  When I was too late or didn't take the picture, he was truly annoyed with me, as though I was the most incompetent teacher he had ever had.  At one point, they got to walk inside one of the giant freezers in the receiving area of the store, and he said, "Get a picture of that!  You never know.  You may not get another chance to come to BJ's."  He's right, we do not know what tomorrow brings :-)  

A bit later, we walked near another freezer, and the kids got to go in again - the same student said to me, "It's so cold, Ms. Christie!  Go over there and feel it!"  I responded by saying that I could feel it from where I was (it was really crowded, and I didn't feel like busting through the kids to go feel the air).  He said, "No, I want you to walk in!"  So I started walking over and the employee shut the door before I could go in.  My student looked at me, disappointedly, and said, "You walked over there really slow so that she would close it before you got there.  I could tell."  He's pretty perceptive!  :-)  He got over it pretty quickly.

After we returned from our trip, I had the students write Thank You letters to Mr. Frank and Ms. Megan, the people who hosted our tour of the store.  Here are some of the funny and precious things they wrote:

BJ's is better than Sam's Club.

Thank you for choosing our class to do the decoration.  I blow kisses to you all "mpau" (she then drew a pair of lips beside that sentence).  

Thank you for haveing us at Bj's that's was one of my best's feld tips thank for the cook (cookie) and for the cony chanch (candy crunch?).  I am telling my mom that to come and by stuff at BJ's.

I will come back and be a member.

BJ's definitely made some kids want to shop there and get their parents to become members there!  :-)  One of my boys kept saying, "I can't wait until I turn 16 and I can go work at BJ's..."  Who knew they would love this field trip so much?  

My Third Year

At the beginning of the year, I give my students a survey to fill out so I can get to know them better.  Here are some of their answers.  For the integrity of their answers, I did not correct any of the spelling or grammar issues.  I did add some notes of my own after a few of them :-)

If I could rule the world, I'd: 

-change to econmie 

-no murders will be availible

The best thing that happened to me last year:

-I got chicken as a treat

If I lived in another country, I'd like it to be:

-clean

-a cowgirl  

-a doctor (you're reading these correctly... still no country named yet)

-San Frasisco (still no countries yet...)

-Asia (still not there yet... but getting closer!)

-Candyland

-Om

-the owner of WalMart

-cheap

-Hawaii (hey! even if it's not a country, at least it's spelled right!)

-Florida

-with a lot of fun

(so, this is almost half my class... about 1/4 of them just didn't write a country.  i'd say it's time for a geography lesson)  :-)

My favorite place is 

-In the dessert on a camel

-Golden Coral

If I could change my name, I'd call myself:

-Diamond

-Bob

-Mickel

-I would not have a name (we may have an "artist formerly known as" on our hands)

-Vealatina

-Rose

-Quasia

If I had $100 I'd:

-send my brother away

-give it to my parents

-give it to my mom 

Describe your classroom:

-organized, good learning environment

-big, organized

-cwiyet

-it is very organized

-clean

-my classroom is very neat and clean 

-a neat, clean, and calm classroom

-organized

(I included this to show off God's goodness and to motivate me to keep it clean!  Those of you who know me, know that keeping a room clean is not one of my strong points...)

Describe your teacher:

-nice, fun, techful

-a nice, neat, and gentle

What was your biggest worry?

-of puting my backpack on the hucker. (i think he meant hook)

Name one interesting thing about your teacher:

-she likes to teach

-that she likes giveing people a chance

-her pet peev is when you spell a word wrong whent it shows the word

-she has terrific recess games

-he hated science growing up (apparently, i am a "he" now)

-she is really nice and funny too (sometimes I do a stand up routine for the kids.  not really.  but I have heard some of the students imitating the way I say, "Seriously?" when a kid does something they know they shouldn't do)

a few more random funny things that have happened:

-a student told me her favorite TV show is Dog the Bounty Hunter

-2 kids asked me if I wore a bump-it in my hair

-when asked how a math problem was solved, a student wrote, "useing my math skills."

-at recess, with a sigh, one student exclaimed... "i think i'm just gonna be single this year..."

Comparison

Comparison is one of the most unhealthy activities I participate in on a daily (hourly, minutely) basis.  It is really a huge temptation for me.  It comes in all forms.  At least I'm not as rude as her... I wish I looked more like her... I wish I got as much attention as she does... I wish I wish I wish (this is starting to sound like an R. Kelly song).  

One Bible verse that is always helpful is 2 Corinthians 10:12 "...but when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding."  Measuring myself by someone else will make me lose every time.  I'm either belittling my own sin or raising myself up above someone else (both inaccurate and detrimental ways to think...)  If I'm interested in comparing, I ought to compare myself to Christ every time, which will remind me of my need for Him and bring about humility and thankfulness.  

"Self-Knowledge," a prayer in the Valley of Vision, has some helpful things to say about this...

for sinners bring judgment in thinking sins are small,

or that God is not angry with them.

Let me not take other good men as my example,

and think I am good because I am like them,

For all good men are not so good as thou desirest...

I pray that the next time I am tempted to compare myself to others (whether to lift myself up or jealously wish I was like someone else) that God reminds me quickly that the only one worthy to be held up for comparison is Christ himself.  

**If anyone has any books on this topic that you have found helpful, please let me know!**

The Mountain

No worries... I won't quote any part of the song by Steven Curtis Chapman.  At least not intentionally.

This summer has been a really good time of reflection and introspection.  Sometimes introspection is not good, because it can turn into self-absorption, but I really think that God has used my down time this summer to show me some things I haven't been able to see in the past several years.  Over the past 2 weeks specifically God has given me some wonderful mornings (and afternoons) of reading His word.  One particular day this week, I wasn't able to read in the morning, and instead of the nagging guilt I had grown accustomed to experiencing when I don't read the Bible, I felt a real yearning for the comfort and peace that comes with knowing God and spending time with Him.  It was a lovely surprise to realize that I truly felt something was missing because I didn't read that morning.

This is huge for me.  At the age of 16 when God drew me to Himself, I read my Bible, but I was never very disciplined.  I truly wanted to know truth, and I would have pockets of time where I would read voraciously, but I was never good at reading when I didn't "feel like it."  I knew this was an issue, and I had prayed and asked God (and other people) for help, but I never saw much victory.  

Over my Christmas break in 2003, I came home to Port St. Joe, and I had a lot of time to read and just hang out.  God moved in me so miraculously during those 2 weeks.  Although I was already a Christian, and I knew I was a sinner and that God had rescued me through the death and resurrection of Christ, I had not truly realized the depth of my sin and the glories of God. Through the story of Daniel being thrown into a den of lions, God showed me the grossness and vastness of my sin, and the depths of His goodness and mercy.

Let me stop right here and say that I am surrounded by a lot of people who went to seminary, and because of that, over time, I have felt intimidated and unwilling to talk in depth about God for fear that my knowledge was "wrong" or "out of context."  I still fear that, but God is helping me.  Me typing this and putting it on the internet is one step forward in that direction.  Ok, back to what I was saying...

In Daniel 6:22, Daniel says that God "shut the mouths of the lions."  Those same lions, who did not touch Daniel, had a very different response to the men who had falsely accused Daniel. When they were thrown in, "before they reached the floor of the den, the lions overpowered them and crushed all their bones."  As I read this, I became keenly aware of God's wrath, that it is terrible, and that it remains on everyone who does not trust in Christ for salvation.  They will be crushed by it.  God used this mightily in my life to bring me to a realization of what exactly I had been saved from.  I am no longer under the wrath of God!  I will not be overpowered or crushed by His terrible anger, but I have been rescued!  I am safe from the wrath of God as Daniel was safe from the lions.  I am protected by Christ.  He absorbed the wrath on my behalf. This is reason for excitement, praise, and a thankful heart!

The next 2 weeks of my life were the best of my life to that point.  I had never understood the gospel with such clarity, and I was so happy.  This all happened about a month before the worst year I could have imagined.  Within that year (really, it was squished into about 6 months), my parents divorced, my dad remarried, and my mom died.  A really bad year.  I look back on those 2 weeks at Christmas so fondly, because it was such a sweet thing God did for me.  He opened my eyes to see His goodness so that when my life and faith were violently shaken, I would know that He is for me, and that He has saved me, regardless of what life holds.  The following year was awful, and even in the years to come, I have struggled to find joy as I have tried to make sense of it all.  For about 4 years now, I have been asking God for another sweet time of fellowship with Him like I had so long ago.  I don't want to live in the past, but I longed for His presence the way I had experienced it then.  

That is where I was, when 2 weeks ago God opened my eyes once again to see His amazing grace (see the previous post).  I am so thankful.  I know there are times on the mountaintop that God gives us for renewal, and I know that there are valleys that are confusing and difficult.  I wanted to blog about the mountain so that I can look back on it when I'm tempted to rely on my emotions in the valley.

Grace Abounding

Over the weekend, my storage facility called me to let me know there was an air conditioning leak, and I should go check to make sure there was no water damage.  The majority of this blog post will not be about that, but about the way God used it to bring about a big revelation about the patterns of my faithless heart and of His boundless grace.  

When I finally went to check on things, I found that there wasn't really that much damage, but it was still a hassle because I have a ton of stuff in there, stuff that is not easily moved - a piano, a table, a bunch of heavy tubs, etc.  After moving a bunch of stuff out into the hallway and triple checking the important things to make sure they weren't damaged, I moved everything back in so I could close and lock it.  It's important for me to note here that my storage lock is not a padlock - it more of the shape of a roll of pennies, but about 1/4 of the size.  As I go to lock it, I realize that it's no longer connected to my key.  

I pitch a silent fit in my mind at how ridiculous it will be to try to find it, especially since I have moved so many things around, and I have no idea at what point it fell off my key.  I look all around for it, moving tubs and lifting bags of clothes.  At some point of my impatient frustration, it occurs to me to ask God for help.  So, I pray.  As I am praying, I say something like, "God, please please please just let me find the lock.  I don't know how, but just please let me find it."  Even as I say these words, my mind goes somewhere that it hasn't gone in quite a while (consciously anyway).  Full blown anger toward God.  This may sound incredibly ridiculous, seeing as how it was over a lock and key for crying out loud, and I'm the one who lost it anyway... but there are so many more layers than that.  I think to myself, "God isn't going to let me find this lock.  He never answers prayers the way I want him to, and He sure isn't going to start now."  These words were exactly what I have been thinking, and harboring inside for years, ever since my mom died.  Everything points back to that day, it seems.

And then something beautiful happened.  As grace is always found, it certainly wasn't at my most "shining" moment that God decided to bestow his favor on me.  It was at my grossest, most bratty, ugly moment, right after I told God that I was sure he wouldn't help me, that I angrily lifted up a trash bag full of old clothes (that I had already searched once during this process) and out fell the lock that I was so sure God wouldn't let me find.  I sat there stunned for a moment and then quickly repented.  

I have been processing the depths of this seemingly small act of kindness from Him.  In an instant, He showed me that instead of believing that God answers prayer, I believe that He won't.  My issue is not that I believe God can't do something, but that I believe He will not, for whatever reason.  It is a belief that has been detrimental to my faith over the last several years.  He is gracious enough not to let me stay that way.  He granted me one simple request when I didn't deserve it, as a reminder that He is for me, He answers prayers, and I must have faith in Him rather than doubting Him at every turn.  I am really thankful.

Summer Reading

Over the past 2 summers, thanks to teaching, I've rediscovered my love of reading.  I mostly like to read fiction, but I also read a good theology or practical life-application non-fiction book.  Here are some that I plan on reading this summer.  (This is kind of like a list for myself, more-so than the rest of you... so I can look back to see if I accomplished the goal of actually finishing them...):

Books to read (that I haven't started yet):

Tipping Point - Malcolm Gladwell

Persuasion - Jane Austen

Plain Truth - Jodi Picoult

Working with Parents - Ruby K. Payne

Books to finish (some of these I've been reading for years!):

Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy

Uprooting Anger - Robert D. Jones

How People Change - Lane/Tripp

Ministries of Mercy - Tim Keller

Under the Overpass - Mike Yankoski (this one doesn't belong to me... I've had it for 3 years!)

Mansfield Park - Jane Austen

Future Grace - John Piper

Picture Perfect - Jodi Picoult

Salem Falls - Jodi Picoult

Looking at the list, it's become apparent that I have commitment issues with sticking with a book to the very end.  Maybe there's a book to help with that.... :-)  I could tackle this they way you tackle debt - read the books that I am almost done with first so that I can cross them off and feel like I've accomplished something.  

I also have somewhat of a predicament... Nicole Wilson (my roommate) has said that if I read the entire Twilight series, she will watch all the episodes of 30 Rock with me.  I love to watch TV with people, and that's my favorite show, so it seems like a great idea.  But the predicament is that I hate reading or watching stuff that is fantasy/sci-fi/can't be real.  Hmmmm.  I'll update my booklist if I decide to take her up on this deal.

Please feel free to recommend good reads (fiction or non) for the summer!  Thanks!